


before I learn to speak

by Hokuto



Series: (Nice Dream): The Gaps In Between [14]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Family, Friendship, Gen, Minor Character(s), Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 12:18:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4435208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hokuto/pseuds/Hokuto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leaving the monster behind takes work - but at least Gaara doesn't have to do it all alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	before I learn to speak

**Author's Note:**

> This one goes out to simaetha on FF.net, for her entirely justified concern about Gaara and the Kazekage's relationship. ... uh, I'm not sure how much of a fix it ended up being, but at least there's a bit of hope?

It was too easy in Suna.

In Konoha he'd had a hard time controlling himself, but he had still been forced to try, because the people of Konoha didn't know about the monster and they weren't supposed to know (and he hadn't wanted his friends to know, even if it hadn't mattered in the end). What was the point of trying in Suna? Everyone knew what he was: the failed experiment, the uncontrollable weapon, the _monster_. It was too easy to fall into old habits, to let the ever-present sand rise and gather at every mutter and sideways glance, to build it into impenetrable armor; to be Gaara, the child who loved only himself, the only one who loved that child.

Temari and Kankuro helped, a little. They were still careful around him, but at least they also talked to him; not just about their assigned missions, but about small things, like what he wanted for dinner if they ate together, silly mistakes other genin had made, stories and news they'd heard from other countries and hidden villages. Sometimes Temari would ruffle his hair roughly, or Kankuro would pat him awkwardly on the shoulder, and that helped most of all. They could still see the monster in him, but they saw Gaara, too.

The Kazekage was very busy. Too busy to see anyone.

Gaara tried. He was trying at the moment, in fact; he was sitting in the hall outside of the Kazekage's office, opposite the ANBU guards at the door, and doing nothing with the loose sand on the floor while people went in and out. He didn't think it would work any better than the way Temari had suggested, which had involved trying to make appointments with different people, but he thought that he might at least be able see his father in passing at the end of the day.

A small group of chuunin came down the hall; they all gave him sideways glances, but only one stopped in front of him and said, "Be right there. Gaara-sama?"

"Yukari." He hadn't seen her very often since the Suna teams had returned to the village with the Kazekage, but he wouldn't forget her. She had taken his side once, and he couldn't forget anyone who had done that. It was a very small number.

"Waiting for someone?" she asked.

"The Kazekage. When he's not busy."

"Ah." She gave him a look he didn't understand. "Could be a long wait. Might as well spend the time with your brother and sister."

"I just want to talk to him," he said. "I haven't since -" But he didn't want to admit that he hadn't seen his father even once after the trip back from Konoha. "For a while."

Yukari shrugged. "Well, it's your time," she said. "You been good?"

He nodded once. It was easy to be the monster in Suna, but he had tried not to be, and so far it had worked; he hadn't let the sand kill anyone, and he had only hurt that one man a little bit, for trying to shove Temari and Kankuro out of a line in a store. They'd been a little angry at him for that, but not scared, at least.

"Keep that up," Yukari said. "I have to go - oh, yeah, almost forgot. Got a couple of people from Leaf coming in this evening. Maybe you ought to be waiting on them instead."

"People from - who is it?" The sand around him stirred a little, but only in loose unthreatening spirals. "Is it -"

"Don't want to ruin the surprise," she said, straight-faced. "Think you'll be glad to see 'em, though. Later."

Gaara made himself wait a few minutes longer after Yukari had left to rejoin the other chuunin, but the Kazekage's office didn't seem to be getting any less busy and the sting of curiosity was maddening; when another pair of ANBU appeared to take over the guard at the office door, he slipped away to wait by the gates. Evening wasn't very far away, and he wanted to find out who was visiting as soon as possible. There were plenty of ledges and niches well-suited for watching the gates in the cliffs that loomed above them, all usually deserted, but only a minute after he had settled into one, Temari appeared beside him and said, "Hey, there."

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I heard there might be a couple of interesting people stopping by," Temari said, and half of her mouth turned up in a crooked grin. "I'd hate to miss them."

"You know who it is," he said. "Tell me. Please."

"They'll be here pretty soon, I think, so why don't you relax and enjoy the surprise?"

Gaara didn't like surprises, but he didn't want to argue with her, so he crossed his arms and waited, refusing to let the sand swirl around restlessly. Temari was better at waiting than he was; she had brought a scroll with her that she read while occasionally humming snatches of tunes he didn't recognize under her breath. Gaara was about to ask her why she was humming when an unmistakeable voice rose out of the crowd below.

"- go visit Gaara? Huh? Can I?"

"This isn't a vacation! I told you, we're here for - to see some people, we don't have time -"

"C'mon, you don't let me hang out with _anyone_ , I just wanna see him!"

A sudden lightness swept over Gaara as if all the sand had lifted from him at once, and he leaped down to the street with Temari following behind him. He didn't have any attention to spare for her, however; he was completely focused on Naruto, who was red-faced with the heat and arguing with an old white-haired man Gaara barely remembered as Naruto's teacher. He wanted to say something to get Naruto to notice him, but his voice wouldn't cooperate, and he could only stare at Naruto.

Temari took action first. "Hey, you!" she yelled at Naruto. "You ever aware of your surroundings?"

"Huh?" Naruto looked around, and then his face split in a grin. "Gaara! And, uh, Temari, right? Hi! I was just gonna go look for you!"

"Hi," Gaara managed to say.

"It's really great to see you," Naruto said happily, "it's been way too long, yanno - hey, pervy sage, since Gaara's here already I can go hang out with him and Temari, right?"

The old man squinted at Gaara. "Ah, right - the ignorant one," he said. "Naruto, I keep telling you, this is a business visit, we're not here to socialize."

"Aww, what a shame," Temari said before Gaara could think of anything to say, "and here I was all ready to treat Naruto to dinner..." She gave the old man a strangely soft look that Gaara didn't understand. "My brothers and I kinda owe him a favor, you know? I'd _really_ appreciate it if you'd let us borrow him while you take care of - business."

"Eheheh - well, when you put it like that..." The old man had started blushing and smiling for some reason. "Sure, why not? Just as long as he's back by -"

"Awesome, awesome! Thanks a ton, Temari! Oh hey, Gaara, can I stay over at your place, too?"

"At - my place?" Gaara said. "Why?"

"So we can catch up, yanno!" Naruto beamed. "Plus the pervy sage always picks crappy inns, he'll stay anywhere that has cute girls out front and they always _suck_."

"That's not true! I pick only the finest - anyway, you absolutely can't be out of -"

"All right," Gaara said, glaring at the old man so he wouldn't argue any more. "You can stay with me."

The old man glared right back at Gaara, then threw up his hands and said, "Fine, whatever you want! But don't do anything stupid, because I have too much work to do and no time to waste pulling your butt out of trouble, got it?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Naruto said, bouncing over to Gaara and Temari. "See ya later! Hey, so where are we gonna eat, huh? Huh? Is it a ramen place? I wanna see what the ramen's like here!"

Temari winked at Gaara and said, "Oh, I think you'll be plenty satisfied... C'mon, I got pretty hungry waiting for you two to show up."

Gaara had never been in the restaurant Temari led them to, but it didn't matter; as soon as people saw him, the mutters started and seats emptied. Temari's eyes narrowed, but she didn't say anything and Naruto didn't seem to notice, so Gaara didn't let the sand lash out the way it wanted to and the three of them joined Kankuro at a table.

It was better after that. In the months since leaving Konoha, Gaara had nearly forgotten how loud and bright Naruto could be; in minutes he had Temari and Kankuro charmed, all three of them chattering and laughing and telling stories. Gaara stayed quiet and watched, unless Naruto asked him something directly. Sometimes it seemed impossible to him that Naruto could really have a monster inside him, exactly like Gaara, except that Gaara could feel Shukaku whining and grumbling about stupid, stuck-up foxes in the back of his mind.

After Naruto had gulped down the dregs of his sixth bowl of ramen, he said, "Hey, you guys mind if me and Gaara go hang out?"

"Nah, go ahead, it's our treat," Kankuro said, though he flinched a little whenever he looked at the heap of empty dishes on the table. "I need to clean the puppets anyway, and Temari's got some hot date."

"All right! Thanks for the awesome dinner, you guys are pretty cool after all," Naruto said, and before either Temari or Kankuro could respond he had grabbed Gaara's hand. "Let's go, Gaara! I wanna see what your place is like!"

 _Plain_ , Gaara thought, but he took Naruto to his apartment and dutifully showed him the empty kitchen, the unused bedroom, the undecorated main room with its shelves of books and scrolls that Gaara had started reading to pass the nights, the small garden of carefully tended cacti. Naruto didn't say much about any of it, but then, what was there to say? Gaara tried to imagine what his apartment looked like to someone like Naruto: dull, lifeless, boring (but not a monster's home, at least).

They ended up on the roof. The ever-present wind was cool and gentle; darkness had fallen, and the stars were bright and clear in the moonless sky. Neither of them spoke for a while, and Gaara was beginning to worry that Naruto was angry for some reason when Naruto said, "It's pretty nice up here, huh?"

"Yes," said Gaara, relieved to hear no hint of annoyance in Naruto's voice.

"Hey - is everything going okay?"

Gaara had to think that one over; Naruto's standards of "okay" differed from the standards of Suna. "I haven't killed anyone," he said.

"Haha, well, that's pretty good," Naruto said, "but I meant - like, how are _you_? Your brother and sister seem cool now, but I saw those people freaking out at the restaurant... Haven't you been talking with people more yet? C'mon, tell me you're at least writing to Sasuke or something!"

"... no." He had thought about it, but he hadn't been able to think of anything to say, and he wasn't sure if Sasuke would want to hear from him without Naruto also there to fill in the awkward gaps.

"Argh, that idiot!" Naruto threw his arms up and fell backward, and Gaara caught him with the sand just before he could bang his head against the roof. "Hasn't he written to you at all?"

Gaara shook his head.

"Geez, that guy," said Naruto, leaning back on the sand as if it were a cushion and not a weapon, "he's totally hopeless, yanno... I'm gonna yell at him good in my next letter!"

"You don't have to -" Gaara fumbled for the right words, a concept he was still struggling with. "If it would cause a problem -" 

"Nah, it's no problem!" Naruto said. "I mean, you know what Sasuke's like - he's probably been so busy feeling sorry for himself 'cause me and Sakura left that he totally forgot he has other friends! So don't worry about it, I'm just going to remind him so he'll write to you, too, not just mope around. Yeah?" He grinned at Gaara.

"All right," Gaara said, not entirely at ease with the idea but not knowing what else to say; he still didn't understand a lot of things about friendship, and to him, Naruto's friendship with Sasuke seemed filled with strange holes and unspoken complications.

"What about your dad? He's been talking to you and not being such a jerk, right?"

Gaara wrapped his arms around his knees and wished that for once Naruto would care a little bit less about him. If there was anyone he didn't want to tell about his failure to talk to his father, it was Naruto.

"He's not, huh," Naruto said when Gaara didn't answer.

"Not since we left Konoha." There was something hard in his throat that made it hard to speak. "I keep trying, but - he's very busy. As the Kazekage. So I haven't - we haven't talked, at all."

"Geez, that guy," Naruto said again, but with much less affection than when he'd been talking about Sasuke. "I thought he said he was gonna give you a chance, yanno, but not talking to you doesn't sound like much of a chance."

Gaara stared down at the dusty rooftop. If he agreed, that would be disloyal, but he couldn't say that Naruto was wrong, either. He was supposed to prove his worth, but if he never saw his father...

"Huh - well... Okay, I know maybe it's not gonna mean a lot since I don't have any parents," Naruto said, "but what I think is - I think, so what! Even if you could be kind of mean before, you're trying really hard to make up for it, and if he's too dumb to notice, who cares? _I_ know you're okay, and your brother and sister know, and Sasuke, and your teacher, and probably other people too... So yeah, even if he's your dad, if he won't give you a chance, you don't have to give him one, either!" He rubbed his shoulder against Gaara's. "Um - but yeah, that's just what I think, yanno - so you don't have to listen to me, if I got it all wrong. But you're trying really hard and you shouldn't beat yourself up because he's being an asshole, right?"

Gaara kept his mouth shut and shook his head slightly.

Naruto poked him. "Hey! Uh, you know you don't have to say you agree with me if you think I'm full of it, yanno? I mean, I'm just saying what I think, if I'm totally wrong you can tell me so..."

"No," Gaara said, "I mean - I don't think you're wrong. Thanks." He wasn't very good at smiling, but he tried it anyway, and Naruto smiled back, so he must not have done too badly.

They stayed outside for a little while longer before Naruto's yawning became too frequent to ignore; after he had settled down in the bed that had been put in for show and started snoring, Gaara went to the main room and pulled down a book to read.

* * *

Naruto was still fast asleep at dawn, when Gaara normally left the apartment. Gaara sat silently and watched him. If he left before Naruto woke up, that would be rude; if he didn't show up in time to meet Temari and Kankuro for mission assignments, he might make them - and his father - angry. And if he went to the Kazekage's office first, instead of the mission office, he might be able to talk to his father before he was busy...

He hesitated, and his eyes fell on a blank journal that Temari had bought somewhere and forgotten while visiting. He could leave a note for Naruto, and then go to the tower without guilt; he tore a sheet of paper out and wrote quickly, _I had to go out; please get something to eat, and I'll be back by -_ He considered it for a moment, then finished, _lunchtime_ , and placed the note on the table and left.

At dawn the Kazekage's tower was quieter than usual, but far from deserted, with shinobi coming off night shifts, beginning early morning shifts, or straggling in from missions. Gaara slipped in easily among them, but hesitated again at the split between the way to the Kazekage's office and the mission office. Maybe it wasn't a good time. Maybe he should wait until after whatever mission they were assigned, and then get lunch with Naruto, and then try again.

A hand waved in front of his face. He turned, but the sand remained calm. "Yukari?"

"Hey, Gaara-sama," she said. She was holding a purple mug full of steaming coffee, and her mouth was crooked in a half-smile. "You find your friend okay?"

"Yes," he said, thinking warmly of Naruto sleeping back at the apartment, and then he remembered to say, "Thank you."

"Yeah? That's good." She sipped her coffee. "You going to see the Kazekage?"

"Maybe."

Two of Yukari's fingers tapped against her mug, and she said, "About that - well. I talked to a couple people. Called in a favor or two. Think you might have better luck this morning."

Gaara blinked, forcing the sand down from its automatic stirring with his nerves. "Really? Are you - are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure. Ran it by Baki myself. You know he was my genin teacher?"

He shook his head.

"It's true," she said, and she waved her free hand vaguely towards the Kazekage's office. "And he owed me one for - eh, never mind. Long story. Better go on up."

He delayed a moment longer, trying to find some way to respond to her - _thank you_ certainly wasn't enough, but he couldn't think of any words that meant the thick, bubbly feeling her actions had given him, or that were worth what she had done. If there was something he could do for her in return, anything...

"I've got work," said Yukari. "See you later." Her free hand started towards his head, then lowered, but she smiled a little wider as she turned to go, saying, "It's fine just to say that you owe me one, now."

"I do," Gaara said. "I owe you one," and Yukari nodded at him once as she walked away towards the mission office, leaving him behind.

He didn't know the chuunin on one side of the door to the Kazekage's office, but Baki was standing on the other side and acknowledged Gaara with a glance as he approached. "Go on in," Baki said. "He's waiting to see you."

"Baki-san," the chuunin whispered, not quietly enough. "Are you -"

"Chiho. Are you going to argue with the Kazekage's own orders?"

"No, I didn't mean - um - I was only - I'm sorry, sir. Please go inside, Gaara-sama."

Gaara entered the Kazekage's office. His father was seated behind the desk, a little thinner-faced than he had been before the poison and paler in the dim, green-tinted light; he didn't have any papers in his hands or spread out on the desk's surface, only a cup of tea. "Gaara."

"Father." Wait. Maybe he should have said _Kazekage-sama_ instead. He didn't know which one was right for this kind of meeting.

The Kazekage didn't correct him, at least. Instead, after a moment of silence, he cleared his throat and said, "Are you doing well?"

That was as difficult a question to answer as it had been with Naruto, or even more so. Naruto was already his friend, at least, but if Gaara couldn't prove himself worthy of his father's new, no-assassination-attempts treatment... He thought it over and decided his answer from last night could stand. "Yes."

"No problems with your team? Or any of your missions?"

"No," Gaara said, a little more confidently.

"That's good to know."

The office had thick walls; the wind humming outside through Suna's walls and the noise of shinobi coming in to work were difficult to hear. The Kazekage took a sip of his tea that sounded unnaturally loud in the quiet, then put the cup down and tapped his fingers on the desk. "Right. What I called you here for," he said abruptly, looking over Gaara's head. "I just wanted to tell you that you don't need to approach me in this roundabout manner if you want to speak to me."

"I don't?"

"Of course not," the Kazekage said, and he looked directly at Gaara this time. "You are my son, after all; if you want to see me, you can, whenever you want. Even when I'm busy, if you feel that it's necessary. You don't have to waste other people's time, although -" He cleared his throat again, glancing down at the desk. "- it speaks well of your progress - and of Baki and Yukari - that they argued so, er, fervently on your behalf."

"Oh," Gaara said, through the same thick feeling as before. They had confronted his father for _him_? On their own? "I - thank you. I'll try not to disturb you too much."

"It's fine. I've been informed that I could stand to be disturbed a little more often." The Kazekage looked at Gaara again with an expression that was neither anger nor judgment, but completely unfamiliar. "You look very much like your mother, you know. She would be - she is very proud, I'm sure, that your control has improved so much."

Gaara put a hand on his chest. That feeling - the ever-present pain had changed, both a deeper and a lighter ache than before. "That's the first time," he said, "that you've said -" _It's a kind of medicine_ , Yashamaru had told him, _that only someone else can give you_ , but to get it from his father... "Do I owe you one now, too?"

"No," the Kazekage said, "that isn't," and took a hasty drink of his tea. "No, I would say instead it's the reverse... Well, that was all I wanted to speak to you about. Why don't you and your brother and sister take the day off from missions? So that you can spend some more time with your friend while he's here."

"I will," Gaara said, light-headed and heavy-hearted and entirely off-balance. "Thank you."

Baki and the chuunin had been replaced by a pair of ANBU outside the office, but Gaara barely noticed the change. He went back to his apartment, where Naruto remained fast asleep, and threw away the unnecessary note; then he shook Naruto awake, even though it was still early.

Naruto muttered something nonsensical as he woke and blinked at Gaara. "Huh? Something wrong?" he said.

"No. I don't think so." Gaara hesitated. "I just had a question."

"Uh, okay..."

"What does it mean if something hurts, and when someone says something you didn't expect them to say, it hurts more, but also less?"

"Oh, geez, I dunno. Why? Was it your dad?"

Gaara nodded, and Naruto groaned, burying his face in the flat pillow. "Man, that's complicated, yanno? I guess - maybe it hurts more because he didn't say whatever it was for a long time, but then also not as much because at least he did say something? But I mean, they're your feelings - you kinda have to figure those out yourself sometimes... Wait! Your dad talked to you? For real?" He sat up.

"Yes," Gaara said.

"Awesome! Uh, it was awesome and he wasn't a jerk, right? What'd he say?"

"He said that I can talk to him whenever I want. I don't have to wait for him." The other thing, the confusing part - Gaara decided to keep that to himself, until he could figure it out.

"Hey, well, it's a start," Naruto said, and his smile turned into a giant yawn. "Um, anything else? Or is it okay if I sleep some more?"

"You can sleep. But - will you help me find a present for someone later?"

"Ngh, sure thing, yeah," and within moments Naruto was snoring again.

* * *

Two days later Naruto was gone, dragged off in the evening by the old man on his mysterious journey. The parting had hurt less than Gaara had expected; Naruto had promised to start writing letters to him, "even if I can't say too much because it's top-secret training, yanno," and said that Sasuke would write, as well, "though maybe it's better if you write to him first, just so he gets the idea."

Gaara had agreed, but his mind hadn't been on letters.

"Also, I'm super glad your dad's talking to you now," Naruto had said, "but - what I said still goes! If he can't see that you're basically pretty good, then just don't care about what he thinks, okay? Because other people know you're worth, like, at least ten of him."

"I'll remember."

He hoped that it wouldn't be necessary, but he was glad to have Naruto's words anyway, to wrap them around his heart like a bandage. Just in case.

Despite the absence of Naruto, the silence of Gaara's apartment in the early morning had a new echo to it. Naruto had sat there to eat breakfast; he had almost fallen out of that window; he had pricked his finger on the needles of that cactus; he had collapsed on that couch and whined about the mid-day heat. A little less dull, a little less lifeless, even if that life was only a memory.

Gaara made himself toast with the shadow of Naruto at his side, and then he went searching.

The mission office and the Kazekage's tower were both busy, as expected, but he didn't find the person he was looking for among the crowds and lines. He went to the puppet workshop and only saw Kankuro, who waved at him while he adjusted something on a half-finished puppet; he went to the armory and met Temari, waiting in line to get a new set of kunai.

"Something on your mind?" she asked him. "It's not Dad, is it? Because I can tell you, I'm starting to get really annoyed about -"

"No," Gaara said. "I'm just looking for someone."

She glanced down at the paper bag in his hands and raised an eyebrow. "Right, yeah, good luck. Hey, you! I saw you cut in line, jackass, you're not getting -"

Gaara left her telling off the chuunin who had tried to sneak in front of someone else and continued his search, though he was already running out of places to look. He would have to report to Baki with Kankuro and Temari soon for mission assignments, and he didn't know how long those would take... He had passed a coffee-shop near the tower, and he circled around to check there. Still no results. She might have been sent away on a mission. She might not be working on this particular day. She might have decided she had done her duty and didn't need to talk to him anymore.

He turned around to take the bag back to his apartment, so its contents would be safe while he was working, and his shoulder brushed against someone. The sand rattled in the gourd as they said, "Whoa, there. What's the - Gaara-sama?"

"Yukari?" He stepped back, forcing the sand back into stillness. "You - weren't at the tower."

"Got a late start," she said; her forehead protector was tied on off-center, and one of her shirtsleeves had a faint stain along the wrist. "Can't talk long, sorry."

"I won't take much of your time," Gaara said, "but here - this is for you," and he thrust the bag into her hands.

Yukari opened it and pulled out a round, lumpy, grey-green mug covered in little bumps to imitate a cactus. ( _See, you wanna get them something they'll like, since it's a present for them_ , had been Naruto's advice, _but you also want them to remember it's definitely from you and not anybody else, so it should have something you like about it, too!_ ) She didn't say anything, so he explained, "Because I owed you for the other day."

"Oh," she said. She turned the mug around in her hands, running her thumb over the bumps. "You know - you didn't really owe me. Just tried to help a little." Her sudden smile was much smaller than Naruto's, but cat-like and unexpectedly sweet, and she put one hand on his head to pat it twice, ruffling his hair. "It's nice, though. Thanks."

"It's the first time that I've given anyone a present," he said. "So if it's not right somehow -"

"No, you did good," she said, and she wrapped the mug up in the paper bag in a single quick but careful movement. "I have to get to work, now. Let's call us even, okay?"

"Okay."

When he met Kankuro and Temari at the missions office a little later, they both gave him curious looks, and Temari said, "Guess you found who you were looking for, huh?"

"How do you know?"

"Hey, it's not every day we see our little bro with a real smile," Kankuro said. He picked at his nails and added, with a half-grin of his own, "Too bad. I think I could get used to it."

It would have been easy to ignore him. To say something dismissive, to take his words as an insult and hide behind the sand again, but with Yukari's face still bright in his mind, the old instincts no longer seemed as tempting or as easy. "Maybe you can," Gaara said.


End file.
